To know that His heart is for me, and not against me....changes everything!

Compassion, what is it?  The etymology of "compassion" is Latin, meaning "co-suffering." Just as 1 John 4:8 say's Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. It takes God to love God. Likewise it takes co-suffering to know how to love those in pain rightly, to have; compassion. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. Instead, we have one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet he never sinned." Hebrews 4:15. I'm blessed that He is one that knows my pain."Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted" Hebrews 2:18. What I have is rare, it's hard to find a whole lot of people out there that understand how I feel. The Lord was gracious to remind me that: "No temptation/trial has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13. My Heavenly Father, what a great example of Compassion. More virtuous than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. I'm reminded here of the greatest sacrifice that was ever made; God gave his only Son : "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21. He took the place of another. What about all the pain, sickness, disease, fatigue....that I've suffered? It's not in vain. I believe that in ways I've become a sacrifice so that I can have compassion for those who are hurting. "Now I’m happy to be suffering for you. I’m completing what is missing from Christ’s sufferings with my own body. I’m doing this for the sake of his body, which is the church." Colossians 1:24. The pain Jesus suffered wasn't because of something He did. He's a spotless sacrifice. It was done like this, so that God would be glorified in the suffering. "His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 2:9.  Just as God was glorified in Jesus' suffering, so will God be glorified in mine.

 "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10
 
"He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

Like the shoes I wear are custom made for me, so is this journey I'm on.

Would you, could you walk a mile in someone else's shoes? Would you only pick the ones that best suit you, or would you be afraid to go out of style just for awhile? Would you stretch out your hands so that someone else could stand? Would you dare to take a look at life through another lens? Could you take a moment to stop pretending you care? When life hits home is it only then that you'll make amends? Are you willing to step outside of your box, the picture perfect world your trying to create? Would you step out of your comfort zone to be someone else's only hope? For those who are hurting live life behind broken glass and shattered dreams. Becoming weak so someone else could be strong, becoming strong so that they could speak of one greater than. Maybe your the only one who could reach them. Well then will you beseech them : Who will you look to when everything is falling down around you? There's Only One who's walked this path before, who knows every step to take, Only One and He is the Shepherd, He leads perfectly!


Preaching to the Choir!

The road you never wanted to travel.

When most people think about sickness, they think about symptoms, they take themselves to a place mentally or physically that they can relate to. Some people who have had bad experiences with sickness personally or have gone through the pain with a loved one, will choose to be numb or apathetic because of the uncomfortable feelings that arise. We weren't called to be comfortable. We were called to be lovers. Lord; "what does that look like?" Life isn't meant to be comfortable. I think about some of the accounts of me telling people my story and different responses I've been given. I suppose it's very hard to understand or relate to a pain you can't see and nobody you know has ever gone through anything similar.  Why sickness?  Why me?  I'm don't know, but I don't have to, cause the Lord holds my story in His hands.

I just know that I don't want to be a priest or a levite. I don't want to be numb to people's pain. I don't want to look away. I don't want to be apathetic when people are drowning and fading away. Suffering is a prerequisite to helping hurting people. You won't know how to comfort till you've known the depths of pain. We all have our own stories, and well you may think your the only one. What a lie from the enemy. There is a reason your on this journey, it's so you can be a beacon of light to others that will GO THROUGH this storm after you. You hold the World's only hope in you; Jesus Christ!

I want to be a good Samaritan. I believe that the Lord is sick of our complacency, He's sick of us fighting against Him. He longs for wholeheartedness. He's calling us to wake up and then rise up those dry bones. To no longer defile ourselves with idols, vile images, or offenses. The Lord will save us from our sinful backsliding no matter how far gone we may feel. The Lord is there to recieve and cleanse us. ( Ezekial 37 ) We need to stretch out our hands today. Don't go your own way in peace saying, be ye warmed and filled, while not attending to the physical needs, for what good is it? -James 2:16 Don't turn a blind eye. Don't dull your spirit, let the Lord draw you away. Jesus you are our only hope, answer and cure!

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord. Isaiah 66:9 ncv

Preaching to the Choir

men share battle wounds, women share stories.

In the struggle, it takes faith to stand.

The Next Step...............living!!

Well, as you might remember the Lord was speaking to me in Jan. of this year about new beginnings. I don't know exactly what He was talking about at that time, but I do believe I've received some insight.

As far back as I can remember I would sing when I was happy, and when I was sad. My mom would say "that from the time I could talk, I was singing." As I got older I remember being in my room with my super sweet stereo cranked and the bass on high....cultivating a place of worship using a microphone that I got from radio shack. Nature called my name, and any place that created a ambience or likeness to a ampatheater. I liked standing on rocks, stumps, really anything over 2-3 feet. In nature it was me in the audiance of One; my creator and the birds, crickets and trees backing me up!

When it was time for me to go off to college. I knew it had to be something music related. I always had the latest on new bands and who's who's in the Christian music business......can someone say obsessed. Yeah maybe I was, I could name any band and song name as it came on the radio. I'm sure it got a little sickning as my collection of band memorabillia filled our home. I can't even imagine how much I've spent on cd's, posters, and the like...... and how much of my life I've waisted standing in lines to meet bands. Not even gonna lie those were some of the best times of my life. I also remember making different crafts and candies and trying to sell them to the neighbor kids. I was very entrepreneurial. So, I decieded that combining my love of music, bands and selling things seemed like a good idea. So, off I went to get my degree in Music Business.

I graduated Magna Cum Laude a year and a half later. A lot of people tell me that what I learned during that time was for some good reason (what the enemy planned for evil, God will use for good!) I'm still learning to not be offended and forgive teachers who came to class and neglected to teach us. They really should be reported. Not, that I didn't learn a lot there, their teaching styles were just all sooooo different. :D Anyways, it just so happened that I got pretty much a free ride my first yr. then some changes happened and I ended up having to get loans to pay full tuition the next yr. Debt crushes dreams.

I've done a couple internships, imagine what it takes to get your foot in the door, more than a couple internships and umpteen amounts of  CONNECTIONS (the biggest overused word at my school). So,  after I graduated, I had a couple internships under my belt and began the hunt for a job. Crazy what's happening to the music business with all the different sites out there I tried to figure out how bands actually make it. Really, I have no clue. The search for a job in this field seemed nearly impossible. That's okay God knew what He was doing. Not even 2 weeks after my last internship with a label I started getting sick and was diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis. Sickness and Disease crushes dreams.

CHEERS, here is to living. For some reason God brought me to where I am now. He is ever so gently drawing me away. He leads perfectly! A month ago I was out in CO and just felt the Lord tugging on my heart to go home. I was like Idk what Home is after moving 35+ times you kind of begin to wonder what home is supposed to feel like or where it even is. As soon as I got back home, it just felt right, like where I needed to be. So, the next step you may ask "what is it?" Well I remember lying in bed when I was younger looking out the window starring at the stars telling the Lord, " That I just want to sing. If that's all I ever do, I would be satisfied in that." Through sickness, fitn, his perfect leadership He has breathed life into me while I was fighting to survive. Even though I don't understand, I know He has a reason, His plans are bigger than mine, and for my good!

So, I'm decieding to step out on a limb of faith. I want to be a good steward of the gifts that my Father has given me. I don't want to bury my tallents! Please pray for me to have Courage in this next step, for Peace, FINANCES, Discernment, Doors to open, Grace, Healing..........ect as I say yes to the journey the Lord has me on in filling out an application to attend FMA. Thanks for all your love and support. I'm going to be connecting a paypal acct. to my blog if you feel lead to give for FMA (forerunner music accademy), medical bills, school loans, a trip to john hopkins for the accelerated cure project. Please designate. I envy your prayers above all!

In him and through him, Mallory

I'm only human : Just what I needed. Some say just what the Dr. ordered, but God knew better!

A couple weeks before I was admitted into the hospital my Grandpa and Grandma had called me telling me that they had bought me a plane ticket to go with them to Seattle. What a surprise and treat that would be. I felt so bad that I had to turn them down because of how I was feeling. I mean of course I wanted to go with them. The trip was scheduled for the week that I ended up in the hospital. My Grandparents on the other side of the family along with aunts and uncles were down in TX for a cousins wedding the week that I was in the hospital . Those who didn't go to either Seattle or TX remained at their homes.......which were anywhere from 300-1,500 miles away. My Dad and Siblings were working at a job site 2hrs away and couldn't leave. It's sure interesting how God works things out. Six months before I got sick I said "yes" to being a Youth Counselor at my church. I really bonded with a lot of youth there. They were a big part of my support system during that time.

I know that I have shown you a picture of the shed with the verse Matthew 22:37 on it. So I won't put it up again. One day my mom went back to our camper to get me a few things and thought I would be encouraged by a picture of that shed with the verse. She drove by and thought if they are home I'm going to go and thank them and tell them how encouraging that is has been. She got there and their was a guy on the house shingling. He came down and talked to my mom. She asked if he was the owner and he pointed to an older gentleman probably in his mid to late 70's. She spoke with the owner and shared my story of being in the hospital and how the Lord had highlighted that verse to me. He began to cry. He said "that he had only put that verse up for himself as encouragement and that it was actually kind of controversial." He asked "if my mom would mind repeating the story again." My mom agreed and the guy came down off the roof the whole time he was listening he was grinning ear to ear. He told my mom "God has great plans for Mallory. She needs some support. Can we pray for her right now." So the three of them bowed their heads to pray. My mom mentioned to them that she wasn't sure about stopping. The owner commented that it was pretty amazing timing because they're so busy working that they are never home. #GODTHING!

Later at the hospital my mom was back with my things and She told me all about what had happened. She then went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat and when she came back the guy that she spoke to on the roof was sitting next to me. He brought me flowers and a card. He was holding my hand telling me" that everything was going to be okay and that God has go great plans for me ect.."
He said "tomorrow Ray&Donna (the owners of the shed with the verse) will stop by." They did just as he had said. Multiple pastors, friends and youth kids came to see me from church. If I hadn't been involved, I would have been alone in that room (besides my mom and the nurses of course). I'm so thankful that the Lord prepared the way. He knew exactly what I needed in that time. Later in the week one of my aunts who was in TX returned home and came to see me, as well as my sister in law, neice and nephew.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

With Respect To The Promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in his faith, giving glory to God fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises, Therefore is was accounted to him as Righteousness. Romans 4:20-22

Two years Later.

Two years ago today April 11th 2010 I was admitted into the hospital for a week. And I just want the pain to go away both physically and emotionally. I just want to indulge in something that will mask my pain that will take me to a place of comfort. I took a walk just to get some air okay the main intention of the walk was to go get some chocolate. It about broke my teeth (experation date 2011), not the only thing that feels broken right about now. Lord I know that only you can heal this hurt, this pain. I know that I must forgive so that I can truly live. I don't understand why today being just like any other day hurts so much to face. The wounds are all too fresh and I don't know if I can say the scab has completely formed, definitely no scar tissue yet. Which is kind of like my skin when it gets cut it takes forever to heal and even the tiniest of scratches leave a scar. The memories remain.

"But I Have Raised You Up For This Very Purpopse, That I Might Show You My Power, And That My Name May Be Proclaimed In All The Earth." EXODUS 9:16

It's a emo anniversary.

Two years ago today the symptoms of Transverse Myelitis began. Even though I know it's for his glory the question "why?" still looms. As I think about where I was and what could have been I am very grateful for the everyday little things that I can do on my own (but with His help). I'm trusting and believing for the fullness as there is still a ways to go. So close, yet so far.

With the MRI complete they were able to see that the majority of the myelin all along my spine had been degenerated. I found this really good picture >

The image on the right is of someones healthy nerves (the white part) and their Myelin (the black part). The smaller pictures on the left show what pretty much happened to my myelin and nerves after they were degenerated. 

With the Cat Scan done they were able to eliminate M.S. because I didn't have any masses on my brain. However with the amount of Myelin that was degenerated nearly my whole spine length they thought it could be something more serious. They attempted to get me prepped for a spinal tap. They gave me Ativan it is used to relieve anxiety. Ativan also known as Lorazepam is in a class of medications called benzodiazepines. It works by slowing activity in the brain to allow for relaxation. It worked just not enough to calm my nerves and because of how sensitive my skin was to the slightest of touch my neurologist was gracious and postponed it. I mean I was kind of freaking out because of how sensitive my back was. I was so so so relieved it never got done.

After a day or two of being on the steroids I was able to sit up and use a walker to get to the bathroom without anyone helping me there. As were on the subject I remember them saying if I wasn't able to empty my bladder that I would have to be put on a catheter. The average amount the human bladder will hold is 300-400 ml and you will usually feel the urge to urinate at 150ml. Well my bladder was maxed out at 638ml.. They say that it can hold upto 800 ml but obviously that wouldn't be healthy. So anyways after being able to get to the bathroom with a walker I thought I'd be able to take a shower...without any assistance. I mean being modest and independent as I am. To say the least I fell and was told later that I wouldn't be able to do that again because I would be a liability. So they gave me a shower chair from there on out. TMI.....?.......I think so. Sorry. :)

Like I said they thought I had something more serious it was called N.M.O. Neuro Myelitis Optica which causes you to be blind and paralyzed.  Here goes another round of tests! EEK! So I got on the phone and computer once again asking for prayer. Here goes the late nights talking to friends and family. I'm talking bout being up till 3 a.m. and every 2 hrs when the nurse came in to check my vitals. I had to stay on top of things always telling them how I felt and asking a billion questions. I also had to ask for Ativan so that I could sleep. On the day of the tests it took 3 different nurses and all the spots you can draw before they got some blood. They sent in a Serologic Test for NMO-IgG to Mayo Clinic to see if it was positive or not. Oh Lord Intervene! "Because NMO-specific lesions may not be evident on MRI, a blood test result that is positive for NMO-IgG enhances diagnostic accuracy. Mayo Clinic, where the test was developed, is currently the only laboratory in the United States that offers it." http://www.mayoclinic.org/medicalprofs/neuromyelitis-optica.html Pretty crazy that where I had my NMO-IgG test sent  was where the test was developed and the only place that offers it. I know that steroids played a big part in helping me get back on my feet. God is Merciful and just. I had friends, family and their prayer chains in over 10 states standing with me in prayer. I'm thankful for each and everyone of you continuing to pray for complete restoration. Very Gracious!

Accelerated cure project?????????

Last night I was doing some research on top 15 natural cures for back pain.
http://altmedicine.about.com/od/chronicpain/a/back_pain.htm I was also trying to find the best pain meds for back pain. http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/medicine/painkiller-comparison.htm and this is what I found. I thought it was very helpful! But it also made me want to find something that would be less harmful on my body. So, today I went to the Health food store! I got some white willow bark a.k.a. salix alba which is what Aspirin is made of. I also got a Vitamin B Complex that has choline and inositol. Which I read while there that it protects myelin and helps with regenerating nerves. I took one and have had some sharp pains in parts of my back that don't usually feel that kind of pain. Wondering if anyone knows what nerve regeneration feels like? Idk that it would be working that fast just curious. I also read last night that Devil's claw is helpful with inflammation (which is part of lupus) and that thymus is good for RA, SLE, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, building your immune system the list goes on. I didn't get those last two things so I can't tell you if they work. Maybe you'll have to try them and let me know if they work for you. I've been doing some more looking around because of all the pain - symptoms I'm having. Almost two yrs ago some family members informed me of Johns Hopkins Research on Transverse Myelitis, MS and other demyelinating conditions. Today I decided to go on their website and see how their research is going and to see if I could get some more information on how to improve my health. I think I'm going to move forward with this http://www.acceleratedcure.org/repository/index.php Lord willing. If the doors open up then I will walk through them. Please pray that the Lord would direct my steps and give me the discernment that I need in this decision.

Only for the weak, for the faint of heart, those driven to their knees, those who live with scars.

all my med info

Oh well what do you know as soon as I sit here to type my back pain starts to flare up. I was never a big fan of drugs, but I've come to realize there is a time and a place for them. Through sickness and pain I became very thankful that they exist!

Hospital Day #1 April 10th 2010
So, that night they hooked me up to their machine for an I.V., to run vitals, and get their fair share of my blood. You would think for the week, but they didn't agree. And I had no choice. I know that week I broke my record on how many vials I've had taken at a time.

Hospital Day #2 April 11th 2010.
So they still needed to run some more tests to eliminate MS completely.  Which were an MRI, blood work, and a Spinal tap!!! I believe it was this morning that they had me do the MRI. Again like the cat scan they had to do it first without the contrast dye and then with it. The main reason they believed it to be MS was because Transverse Myelitis only affects six inches of your spine, and my whole spine was inflamed top to bottom. I have a challenging time
remembering everything that happened because of all the trauma I experienced (emotionally, physically, and mentally), and the drugs. I do believe though that it was on this day that they started running the junk through me; 1,000mg of steroids everyday I was in the Hospital.  As I've mentioned my feet were freezing and from my waist up I was burning up. So, I had a heating pad on my feet with my special socks and all covered up to my waist at least, where I start burning up. I had ice packs on my back, my neck, and a fan blowing right at my face. My mom say's I looked like a tomato and it tis true.

"Fall Risk…"!!!!
Those are the words written on a bracelet I had to wear for nearly a week. I had matching socks to boot. Bright yellow socks and a bright yellow wrist band.


'"only for the weak" - Avalon
http://youtu.be/XJJqu1LPoRA

Scared, but Strong. Being confident in His love.

To Start my back hurts super terrible today! Nerve pain Extreme! So Tired! Even Had a Nap!

When the rhuematologist started doing labs back in 2007 I remember telling my mom that "it doesn't matter what the diagnoses is, God is in control."  When I got my diagnoses of lupus via usps my parents were over 20 hrs away. It was quite a challenging day when the news arrived. I guess I went into the ER with the same idea, "whatever it is, God is in control." As I said we got to the hospital and my mom went in and came back out with a nurse and a wheelchair. The whole time I knew I needed a wheelchair but wanted to down play the severity of it even though I knew I needed immediate attention! After being in the waiting room for half an hour and filling out my paper work I was back in a room on a bed. As I was waiting a nurse was in doing my vitals when I told them I believed I had Transverse Myelitis. Things I remember : I was really thirsty, that when someone walked past my door or made a sudden movement I had an intense electric shock band across my lower back (comparisson to an electric fence by both being electrifying and spikey), and updating fb and texting people to let them know I was in the ER (please pray!)  When the first Dr. came he did a sphincter test to see if I still had feeling. They said "if I didn't there would be chance of paralysis (which there was chance of anyways with the diagnoses I received.) I passed the sphincter test. I still think it's interesting that I got one done there cause the Gastroenterologist I saw later on down the road told me that "they don't do those here." Mhmm I'm sure they don't!

When the head ER Dr. came in I pretty much told him " I think I have Transverse Myelitis." And the testing did begin. I got my first ever cat scan first with out contrast and then with the contrast dye. They had to do the cat scan to see if I had masses on my brain to find out if I had MS or to eliminate it. I passed the Cat Scan PRAISE THE LORD no brain masses! Thank you Jesus!  I was brought up to my room next the place I'd call "home" for the next week. That night my mom met the Nuerologist that would be taking care of me from that point on.
I'll have to get out some notes, and rack some brains before I can continue with what happened that night. I just want to make sure I get all the details in. Where's the video camera when u need it?

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalms 42:11

"LET not your heart be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me." John 14:1

I wouldn't have chosen this, but He knows better than I & His plans are Perfect even when I cannot see.

Okay so I know it's been a bit since I let you know where I'm at. Well, let me get you up to date in a jiffy here. Since my last entry, well I've spent most of my last week in bed or on the couch. A simple cold I had turned into full blown Streptococcal pharyngitis A.K.A. Strep Throat. I'm not sure at this point what would be more disgusting a picture, or me just telling you about it. Well, I guess I could do both. :) I'm actually gonna just be kind and tell you that I believe it was my first time having strep. I tried at first to treat it on my own.......I like natural remedies. However, I don't necessarily know if natural likes me. So, I had to move on to try cephalexin which is used for strep. I was on about 1,000 mg of that stuff for two days with my strep just getting worse. I had fever, aches, pains, & swollen, pussy, bloody tonsils. With my attempt to go natural and even the antibiotic failing me while my throat was bleeding and concerns of something else going on with my auto-immune system being compromised I decided to go to the ER.

 At the ER I told them I've never had strep, but if I did this is definitely it. The nurse came into take a culture and the Dr. was in there at the same time had a look and said "we're treating you what do you want, the pills or the shot." I said "which works faster?" The Dr. replied "the shot." Me as I roll up my sleeve "I'll take the shot." She said "Oh no, It doesn't go there. So, to date shot #3 in backside. I got to admit I was nervous. She said "I have to warn you it stings!" Last time I got a shot in my backside 2010 (which you will hear about that story in the future), the nurse gave me a shot and said "man you're a bleeder....(I've never been bothered by needles or passed out in my life) but she shouldn't have showed me the 3 inch needle and said man you're a bleeder.....just sayin'. Anyways to say all that I got a little light headed and had to lay down. So this time I was like I don't want to pass out for real so I told the nurse the story and said "if I bleed don't tell me!" I asked if it compared at all to a corticosteroid shot since I got one of those in 2007 and I will never forget that pain. I don't remember the last time I got a penicillin shot ( It was probably at age 3 when I had Pneumonia). The nurse said "She didn't think it was nearly as bad as a corticosteroid and she asked me if I thought so," and I said "no", and by that time it was done, leaving me only with a quarter sized bruise.

My Last Entry from the week of April 11th 2010. After this I will go from memory having to recall my hospital visit and the time leading up to present day. Lord please give me grace. I need help to remember!

• That morning my family went to work and I was at the hotel by myself. My Grandma called and said that her sister had tingling in her legs and she was diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis and that I should look it up. I was reluctant at first but for some reason went ahead and looked it up. It just so happened that I had every symptom listed. I called my mom and read the whole web page to her. My sister in law, the kids and I were heading back home that afternoon and my mom called after talking to a family friend who said she had a missed call from my mom, but my mom has no recollection of calling here. The family friend is a physical therapist. She asked my mom how I was doing, my mom said that I was falling and had incontinence. After that She said "You need to take your daughter to the ER to see a neurologist" knowing at this point it was something very serious. My mom called and said “Mallory you need to go to ER” So she drove 2hrs home. While I was waiting my sister in law stayed with me awhile and I had to go out and turn the water on for the camper, on my way out I fell from the second step of the camper to the ground. Mom got here and when we got to the hospital I wanted a wheelchair because I was so weak and didn’t want to fall again.

Let the testing begin……..the story continues!!!!

On the road again...as if it's going out of style!

So this last weekend I took a trip up north to visit my bro and his fam. As I was there I looked out the kitchen window to see the trampoline in the back yard and so many emotions come rushing back into my head of that weekend in April 2010. Then I go to the post office as I get out of the vehicle and step over a foot of snow on the curb, I'm reminded of each and everyday going to the p.o. and trying to lift my legs high enough to make it up fewer than 10 steps to get inside the door to mail my packages. Slowly but surely strengthening my muscles in my legs. This time much easier than before! I'm amazed at where the Lord has brought me, because so much of it seems like yesterday. I think mostly cause I live with the pain everyday. I will not be content with staying where I'm at, but I will revel in knowing that God is a good good Shepherd and He leads perfectly!!! His Timing not my own you know!! What He say's He has for me is not always what I see, Lord please give me new perspective. More from April 2010 At the work site I was so relieved to see my family, though still in a lot of pain and very exhausted. I started cleaning out the car as we waited for them to finish up and I was squatting down by the front seat collecting the trash. I then tried to get up and couldn’t, I grabbed onto the door multiple times and thought of calling someone over to help but didn't see anyone. I then mustered up enough strength to get up. I started telling my mom that I was so tired I needed to sit down. She told me I could sit in the van with my nephew but it was locked. There is this button we have under the license plate that we can push to get in, so I went to go push it crouched down in my little position we all know of pretty well now, and I got stuck. My nephew was in my arms and I yelled over to mom to come get him and it just didn’t seem like she came fast enough. She called my brother over who had to use all his muscles to lift me, since my legs couldn’t do any of the work. At the time he laughed and thought we were joking. I didn’t know this at the time but I guess my mom whispered “she could have M.S.” He then helped with little to no hesitation, and I was up on two feet again. That night at the hotel, I started to text everybody on my phone contact list that I could. I asked them to pray for me, and to add me to their church prayer chain. Early Sunday, April 11th around 5 am I got up to use the bathroom took a few steps out of bed and fell straight on my back. I was okay I barely even knew what had happened it was so quick. My mom sat up right away to make sure I was alright and I said that I was, however obviously something was terribly wrong with me, like I was thinking all along when I went to urgent care each and every time.

The Story Continues without much choice I guess.....

Entry 1,500 (that's what it feels like anyways) from the week of April 11th 2010 (OK I know past entries say the 10th but I was actually admitted Sunday, April 11th 2010)

Somehow we made it through that day and night, but the next morning, Saturday, April 10^th we were all packing up our stuff on our way to the cities. I was driving, probably not the best idea considering that my legs and feet were partially numb and tingling. I was however feeling so awful that I just wanted to get by my family and get those kids to their parents. On the way, so actually just starting out from my brothers to the Urgent Care I was going to a 10 mile stretch, I started sweating profusely. I had the air on full blast pointed at my forehead and I took 2 Aleve. I called and told my mom that I was feeling so awful that I was going to go to Urgent care now for the third time.

So, with 2 children in tow, I submitted myself to urgent care. At this time mostly because of the feverish symptoms and bladder issues of either not being able to go or not being able to hold it. I went in, and they did an urinalysis and gave me a prescription for prednisone. We got out to the car and I had to change my nephew who at this point was getting tired and hungry. I put his blanket down in the grass and laid him down to change him, while Maylene our dog and my niece ran around. Can you imagine how frazzled my brain was right then. I finished changing my nephew and attempted to get up from my squatting position and fell straight back with baby in arms, knowing that not harming him was my first concern. I chuckled and had to use the front of the car to pull myself up. I can’t imagine what a site we were because I looked over and my 3 year old niece had her pants down going to the bathroom outside. OKAY EVERYBODY IN THE CAR!!! We got something to eat and continued on our way, I can’t tell you how happy I was just to get there. I was in a lot of pain, and I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to take care of those kids or dogs another day.

Imagine the pain of your body eating away at itself. Cannibalism 101 ?

Thank you Jesus for how far you've brought me! Wow! I had A LOT of sick, sucky, and depressing days full of pain! Lord thank you for your grace and mercy upon me! Amen!

My life is a book worth writing, a book worth reading. Lord you write the story, I'll sing the song!

Hey all! So, the last two weeks have been pretty rough physically. My back was in ubber amounts of pain. I'm usually reminded of the western movies when someone is getting a limb cut off or a bullet removed and they have them take a shot a whiskey and bite on a stick. I often want something to bite because the nerve pain is so bad. My joints in my hands were so stiff and swollen that there were mornings I couldn't even make a fist. Two days ago I spent 12.5 hrs in a vehicle and spent 10 of those hrs driving. I had taken 4 Tylenol and 1 aleve, my other one fell on the floor never to be found again. That made me unhappy. The meds didn't even take the edge off. On days like those I wish I had something stronger like tramadol  to help with pain. I suggest to never take tramadol if you don't have to. That's just my opinion based on my experiences with it. I've come to realize that my life is a book worth writing, it's a book worth reading. Lord you write the story, I'll sing the song!

Writings from the week of April 10th
Wednesday, April 7th 2010 my parents left to Blaine, MN to get cat equipment ready for an auction. Also my brothers and my sister-in-law went.. So, since I was unable to completely have use of my legs it wasn’t probably best for me to get my training at that time. So, I was in charge of the kids my niece 3yrs old and nephew  9months. In addition to the kids I had Maylene our two year old black lab, and their new boxer puppy, Lady.

So with my hands full and my body over stimulated and unable to keep my strength in my lower body, I continued to take my medication and fight to take care of these children while feeling so awful with radiating pain. I was beginning to limp around and almost not able to bare the pain in my right pelvic area and lower back. Making it hard to pick up and hold a 9month old that continually wanted to be held since he had never been away from both parents for three days in a row. Friday, April 9th^th 2009 I lay in bed wide awake the pain keeping me from getting much sleep. So, I went to get my acetaminophen with codeine and Cyclobenzaprine at 5 A.M trying to get ahead of the pain that might worsen as I reach daytime. Knowing that would come soon with kids that are early risers, I didn’t have much more time for rest.

This might be TMI for some take it or leave it.
I also proceeded to get a bottle of water because the Cyclobenzaprine makes my mouth very dry. Around 7:30 A.M I was in the bathroom and got a little phlegm in my mouth I then for the first time in my life I had projectile vomit that went all the way from where I was sitting into the bathtub. It was all the water that I just consumed a whole 16.9 oz. bottle. The kids had then woken up and we were in the living room with our breakfast when I had to make another run to the bathroom to vomit. This time is was forest green and thick almost like the looks of wheat grass. I was so scared; I had never before seen or heard of such a thing. Another time in the sink and I called urgent care. They said that it was because I took the codeine on an empty stomach that I vomited up my bile, another first. While I was on the phone with another nurse, I vomited again and it was bile. It was one of the most disgusting things thus far. I made it through the day on crackers and soup.

He's Brought Me So Far.

Today I went walking on a trail built by a hospital. It was kind of an eerie feeling. To think of all the people in the hospital rooms confined to there bed. As I look at the beauty of nature in the oak, magnolia, and crape myrtle trees along side the holly bushes. I remember what seems like yesterday, but is almost close to two years ago now; myself in that very same position. I become very grateful that with diagnoses after diagnoses being thrown at me that I'm not paralyzed and blind. AMEN!

Journal Entry From the Week of April 10th :
I then had another chiropractic appointment on Wednesday, March 31^st 2010. At this point the numbness had moved to both legs and the pain was very intense. It was followed by skin sensitivity in my legs, but more so at this time in my inner thighs, right and left side. It felt like a burning, tingling, pin pricking sensation that couldn’t even handle the brush of my finger tips or certain clothing. This was followed by that same burning, pin pricking and tingling sensation in my abdomen, where it ended up being the most severe. The tingling and sensitive skin continued to move up my stomach, back and up to my armpits. During all of this were in mid March as spring is in the air and temperatures are reaching mid 60’s I am still finding myself in sweat pants, sweatshirts and socks. My feet were the coldest part of my body, with seemingly no relief from the freezing sensation.

Friday, April 2^nd 2010 I decided it was time to go to Urgent care, because I was having such pain in my back, trouble walking and all the sensations just didn’t seem normal. They did x-rays and labs. When the x-rays came back they told me I had scoliosis. It kind of threw me for a loop since I have never before been diagnosed with it. All my labs that came back that day were normal. I ended up leaving with three prescriptions. The following were acetaminophen with codeine, diclofenac sodium, and methylprednisolone. These medications were to help with inflammation and pain of course. However the next day Saturday, April 3^rd 2010, I still found myself in outrageous amounts of pain and went seeking a second opinion. Instead of going back to the same Urgent Care I went to another Urgent Care seeking a second opinion.

At the second place they thought maybe I had pinched a nerve from when I hit my back on the trampoline. They did a urinalysis. They also did a pelvic exam and everything looked normal! I was told that my next step was to get a primary care Dr. of some kind and I was referred to a nurse practitioner. Sunday, April 4 th^th 2010 I started having more symptoms such as urinary & bowel retention, along with urinary incontinence. All of my muscles that my nerves were supposed to be functioning were starting to fail. I then saw the nurse practitioner on Monday, April 5^th 2010. She was very thorough. She did a urinalysis as well as the urgent care had and said I had traces of bacteria but didn’t want to prescribe anything for it yet. She believed I had a pinched nerve and sent me home with a prescription for Cyclobenzaprine a muscle relaxer. The very same day Urgent care called me back and said that I had traces of bacteria found in my urinalysis and prescribed a 5^th drug, Bactrim. I spent the week on drugs, with a bladder infection and excruciating pain in my feet, legs, back and skin. 


Grateful today that I don't have 1,000 plus mg of  Steroids pumping through my bloodstream.
JESUS! Thank you that your blood flows through my veins! :D

Here goes it.................the onset.

Some of the stuff you are about to read you may have heard before.  I know in my own mind as I'm trying to follow what I've written, that it's kind of all over the place. So please forgive me. I hope you will track with me as I'm going back to the events leading upto my diagnoses of T.M. I actually Spent late nights (3am) wide awake in the hospital to journal this stuff you are about to read. My Dr. and others told me it would be good to journal for myself and others who have Acute Transverse Myelitis. I'm glad I have these entries now, but at the time of writing them I didn't see how it was a good idea and after maybe four pages I had to quit because the pure reality of it all was facing me head on.

journal entries from the week of April 10th 2010. :

March 15^th we moved from our rental home and into our R.V. I found myself majorly stressed and in need of time to myself seeking out God and trying to figure out where my life was headed. It had proven to be a very stressful and challenging situation for me to deal with. It looked like a dead end. So, I set out on a walking adventure just to get out of the camper and to be on my own. On my first day of walking four miles I was halfway out and I asked God what he wanted me to do. He answered by a verse written boldly (to me, but not really in font size) on a shed at a neighbors that read, “Master, What is the Greatest Commandment of the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with thy entire mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Matthew 22: 36-40.”

After two weeks of walking four miles a day so about as of now, two weeks ago, Saturday, March 27^th 2010 I started having tingling in my right foot. That following Monday, March 29^th 2010 I decided to go to the chiropractor to see if she could fix the tingling in my foot. She tried multiple times, and had troubles adjusting me. She said that many of my back muscles were extremely tight. She didn't know what was going on. The same day of the chiropractic appointment we set up our trampoline for my niece and she wanted me to jump with her so I did. I then jumped off the trampoline landed hard and lost my balance in my legs and fell back and hit my lower back against the bar. So after the chiropractic appointment and hitting my back on the bar I was in such severe pain in my back. The tingling in my right foot then moved up my right leg and into my left foot and leg. It was such a strong tingling. Similar to when your foot falls asleep and you can't even stand on it. I just couldn't shake it or seem to figure out what was going on.

Lord Have Mercy!

One Step at a time.......lifes a journey.

Days turn to weeks and then I get off track. So, here I am again. I'm back to work. I've been sleeping a lot. One day 12 hrs, another 10 hrs, and then a nap.  My immune system was so run down that I ended up getting an infection. Anyways still trying to get better and get the rest I need!

As the Lord leads.....

Last week a friend of mine and I were talking about sickness and the whole "WHY ME!" question. I asked So, "why you" the reply being (correct me if I'm wrong) "So, that I would be broken. Otherwise it would be my will, my plans, against the Lord's." The Lord breathed upon those words as soon as they were uttered. Another friend spoke similar words to me about dying to self. Then I was just telling my friend how I started writting again. As I was sharing I said "I'm being so vulnerable it's killing me." A Light bulb went on....hmmm Lord what are you doing. Dying to self.........being broken, being open to The Lord's leading. I think I've said before I never intended on being sick. I mean I don't think anyone ever does. HELLO!  Two weeks ago in my frustration. I wouldn't have said this, but this past weekend at onething The Lord was really stirring in my heart. And I can actually say "I want what the Lord wants."

This is just what struck me the last two days now. Because every choice in righteousness is teaching us to rule and reign. It's one step at a time. I often think about each one that I take when most of us don't even consider the thought or effort of putting one foot in front of the other. What can I do, to make a difference? We are so busy going going going, but what is it for? I mean Ps. 37:2 talks about how we are but like dust. What is it for, but His glory. I look at the sunset and admire it. I wonder how often we really stop to look and be thankful. It's for His glory. I listened to a message today that I missed during Onething. It was oozing total truth. Please consider listening to this http://www.ihop.org/resources/2010/12/31/glorifying-jesus/  It provoked me. I need to hear it again. Makes me want to read more about Paul and his journey. What can I glean from his story?

#DYINGDAILY #HISNAMEISGREATERTHAN!

Heart Surgery: The Operation

Hey y'all I've entered the southern hemisphere. I went to bed at 2:30 am and got up at 9, ran some errands got back in the vehicle and slept for another hour, another stop a little coffee, then another nap. I felt similar to how I did back in the days I was on meds, waking up in a fog I couldn't get out of. I was impatient, aggravated, feverish, and nauseas. Sounds like fun don't it. Anyways I would like to ask for your prayers. One cause I need healing in my body, I'd say that's a given. Secondly just to cover me and plead the blood of Jesus over me as I'm being open to what the Lord is doing in and through me with this. I would definitely appreciate it! :)

Fitn : 4/27/11
I started to ask God how I could trust Him and be mad at Him at the same time. I didn't realize that the hurt in my heart was towards Him. The last thing I wanted to do was blame Him, He had brought me so far. I thought I should be thankful, but there was resentment in my heart. Then I asked the Lord to forgive me for having offense. I wondered how it worked it's way in. Because as far as I knew I put my hope and trust in Him. It so subtly worked it's way in past all the beliefs I was clinging to. I guess the offense would be called the "not protecting me from sickness offense." Ugh, I hate the devil! & sickness!

Fitn: 5/5/11
Lord thank you that u loved me so much that u allowed sickness and pain to come upon me. That u are calling me out of my brokenness and giving me beauty for ashes, and joy for mourning.

#forHisname
#forHisFame

Bees on a mission.....Spreading the seed of God one Flower at a Time.

New Places, New Faces, Never Know Who You Gonna Run Into!
Oh you know, I'm just a pilgrim on a journey. I mean what in the heck else are we supposed to do?
I've been wondering if I'm quite ready to write about everything, but as I get into it, it flows and I'm even taking notes on things I want to put in here later or to add to a current post. I can't believe how much I'm writing and how many people are reading. I know that the day to day of it can get boring as I wonder why in the World people are interested. I just wanna say; "Thanks it's so encouraging!"
Journal entry April 16th, 2011 makes me laugh because we were just talking about this. It say's "Thanks Lord for your Grace in my life, Thank you for Saving me from myself." It's interesting how we can get out of touch for a moment, lose perspective, and forget what the Lord has already done in our hearts. Sorry Abba!

We were nearly a month in and every night I knew someone in that room up on that microphone would say if you are sick in your body and would like healing prayer please stand now and we will have people pray for you. If only I had my voice recorded.....I have A, B, & C and this is how I would like prayer. It would have been a whole lot easier, but a whole lot less personal. Even if I said I didn't want to tell you about it. I needed it to be personal. I needed to know that there were people out there that cared, truly cared. Anyways, I began to wonder after standing up once, maybe three times a night including the EGS, or FCF services, how many times should I ask for healing prayer?? I'm getting tired, nothing is happening, and everyone is looking at me. :D Some of my fellow interns reminded me of Luke 18 and the prayer of the faithful avails. I've been in constant killer pain for almost 2 years now, and I'm still asking Jesus daily to restore my health. He is making me a testimony for His glory. Even if it doesn't look like that from the inside looking out or the outside looking in for that matter. I know He is not a man that He should lie (NUMBERS 23:19)

Yesterday my feet were doing something weird. Well they are always cold to the bone and I had to laugh last night when I remembered my mom actually buying me socks with battery packs just to keep them warm. Nothing seems to help. Anyways if any of y'all have ever been to a chiropractor where they do electrical muscle stimulation therapy, it felt like that in my feet for about two hrs. It kept me from sleeping cause it was so uncomfortable. It was interesting because it was different then the usual vibration like feelings I get. Anyways it ended up being another late night. Hello 3am.

Thankful for stretchy pants and crocs. They've got me through so many painful days. :D

Heart WIDE Open.............SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!

Here we go again......
All day I was thinking I want to blog, I need to blog, I want to blog. But as I sit down to write, my stomach turns...a little anxious i suppose...with my head in my hands I get the faint smell of onions, celery, and garlic....mmmhmm making Chicken Noodle Soup for my bro. I was so kind to pass the cold along to my younger bro just like my older bro had done for me. You know nothing says Merry Christmas like sneezing, coughing, and snot everywhere.....etc... :D You know I love you guys!

Lord have your way in what I say today.

As I had said I got accepted to do Fire In The Night internship at International House Of Prayer. My mom, niece, nephew and I met my brother and a friend in Oklahoma City and I went with them from there. I had my niece and nephew with me at the time and met my sister-in-law in KC the next day so again it was hard to say good-bye. I was staying at a hotel by myself in KC four days leading up to the internship trying gradually to switch my schedule over to nights so it wouldn't be such a shock on my body. So, by the time it was orientation day 3 o'clock in the afternoon was getting to be early. :D Right when I got there I started talking to a girl who ended up being one of my roommates, so that was cool. My roommates helped me move all of my stuff in without knowing my story. It was part of my concern before I got there because I knew that there were stairs in the apartments and I didn't know if I would be able to make it up the stairs with a suitcase in arms without tumbling down the steps....insert laugh here   ha ha ha   just to keep from crying.

We got settled in and then had some kind of meeting where right away they challenged my level of trust. To me "my" sickness was a part of me, my DNA (literally) and you couldn't know me. I wouldn't let you in. It was a secret and you weren't ever gonna find it out.  In fears that you would see me as different, weak or broken. Well that didn't last long. The internship started April 6th 2011 seven days from the 1 year anniversary of when I was admitted into the hospital. On the first freakin' day we were asked if we needed healing prayer. Well, I'm not gonna pass up a chance to be free of pain now am I......Lord have your way!  2 days later April 8th in a small group apartment meeting I let my roommates know what was going on with me (I didn't think it was fair to keep it from them). They prayed for me and the Holy Spirit showed up. I was given words that confirmed words I was given the prior yr, and even one that was given to me at a winter retreat when I was in highschool that I never thought would mean anything. Sometimes it's the simple things that can blow you out of the water.

I remember being in the prayer room the first couple nights and let me tell you something it's so different when you have to be there, instead of doing it of your own free will. I was sooooooo Angry.
I was angry at the Lord. I just pinpointed this a couple days ago. That I was angry at the Lord pre-internship because I felt like He was supposed to rescue me from myself and I didn't feel like He did. During the Onething Conference M.B was preaching about Rev. 2: ²¹ I have given her time to repent, and she did not. ²² So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, ........ ²³ I will strike her children dead. So, I think of it like this that God in His Mercy stepped in with feet like fine brass (Rev. 1:15)
and allowed me to get sick to save me from myself for His glory.  I think it's a common question people ask when they get sick "WHY ME???!!" Well before the internship I had numerous people telling me that it was for His glory, but during the internship I had been asking Him "WHY ME?!?!?" Was it something I did?? He graciously answered me with the story from John 9:¹ Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. ² And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3: Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.

Luke 5:31 Jesus answering said to them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.

Psalms 73:26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

I'm Thankful:  that last night I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to eat a nutri-grain bar so I could take some tramadol and gabapentin, just to sleep. I'm thankful that I don't have to do that in the morning because my joints are so swollen and achy that I can't move till I get some pain killer in my system so I can get out of bed in 20-30 minutes without pain. Lets just say I don't like nutri-grain bars anymore.... I can't seem to get the after taste of pills out of my mouth, and the memories out of my head from the last time I had one. Praise the Lord that was probably about a yr. ago or so now.

P.S.
I learned during the first couple days of the internship even in my anger and honesty towards the Lord That He can take it and He is not offended.  Also that Your context doesn't define you! Once we see our problems as too big for God it's a narcissistic view that what He did on the cross wasn't enough.

Also I'm heading south tomorrow.....so one step closer to jail time..omg I mean getting my journal pages in here from when I was in the hospital. Hospital....jail....close enough....jk :D

Catching up.....in so many ways

Good Morning......or I suppose it would be good afternoon to most of you. But as for me I just woke up at ll. My schedule has been so messed up. Yesterday after writing to all you loverly people I took a two hr nap. Then went outside and played with May our family friendly black lab who never seems to stop going. So we were out there a good bit when I decided that again I was very tired, but didn't think it would be right to rest more so that when it was time to go to bed I could actually sleep. I've been trying to get over a cold and I was just on the go all weekend for the OneThing Conference. Being on the go constantly and staying up late combined with the fatigue I already have......would surely lead to sleep deprivation. (Just so you know it was worth seeing u guys #fitnfam) So last night I went to bed at 2 am and got up just an hr or two ago at 11:00. I'm in quite the fog that coffee isn't even touching. LORD HELP! :D

 As I'm writing, I'm just asking the Lord for wisdom and discernment on what to put in here. I want His name to be glorified. I want to be a testimony of His goodness. I want to look back one day and say WOW! Look at How faithful God is to my little heart. My story will probably not get in here till the end of this week or next since I'm not on my computer. I think I would like to back track and try to get u up to date. Which may take a bit of writing and I ask that you would bear with me as we go through the process. It looks like my last entry was Nov. 18th 2010 Oh my lots to tell you since then (Lord Please Help Me Remember!) In July of 2010 I was put on Zoloft an anti-depressant mostly because of all of the trauma that I had experienced, my Neurologist said it was similar to mourning my own death...? Idk what exactly that all means. Then in August of 2010 I was at a service at International house of prayer where so much happened. Wes or whoever had said that they felt the Lord was going to set people free from depression that night. I had people praying for me including my bro who was probably the first one by my side through the crowd of people he found me. Anyways I ended up being slain in the spirit and when I opened my eyes I asked my brother if anyone had touched my stomach and He said He was the only one there. I told him it felt like someone had reached down with there hand palm down on my stomach and then pulled something out.

Anyways shortly after that without my Dr's consent I went off of Zoloft. The next Dr's appt. I told her the story. She wasn't real sure about my decision. At that appt we did labs and a MRI was set up. I got lab results and according to my f.a.n.a levels they again decided to put me on an immuno-suppressant called Imuran. Which again got me sick I had a terrible sinus infection, Pink eye in both eyes (never had pink eye in my life) fever, and a near ear infection. So I called the Dr and the Dr. Said no more monkey's jumping on the bed....I mean she said to stop taking it cause you can't take it while having a fever. So, glad I got to stop taking that awful drug. Well I think I mentioned that we were living in our camper when I got sick in March 2010 we stayed in it till the end of Nov. We then moved in with a family from Church who so kindly let us stay in there basement. Which hear me when I say I am so grateful, but it's always challenging not to have your own place. I know, I've done it a lot.

The days that winter seemed to draw on forever, and I remember ending seven months of physical therapy and crying because I didn't know if I was ready to be done and because they had helped me since I got out of the hospital....they knew my story, they were part of it. At that time I was sleeping till 11 getting ready for the day and wanting to get out of the house so we went to the post office to pick up our mail and maybe to the grocery store or something and I would be ready to go home and take a nap. One day sitting in the basement I was in a far off daze of utter despair and heartache. My mom asked me if I was okay and I just started balling. I ended up calling my Dr. asking for more Zoloft which I only ended up being on for another month. Whew! This is kind of emotionally draining just writing all of this. January 2011 came and they tried to put me on a third drug to suppress my immune system this one being methotrexate, which is used as chemotherapy for cancer patients when used in higher doses. I asked a lot of Dr's and pharmacists about this drug and despite their opinions I let them know of my decision to never let it enter my body (mostly because of the warning labels). I guess it was a part of my story For His Glory.

Then My mom started doing research on the meds I was taking, I looked into the side affects of drugs I was taking right after I got out of the hospital but trying to keep them straight along with having them all in my system keeping me from thinking clearly proved to be more challenging than you would think. DEEP BREATHE! So, now it's Feb. were still in the basement. Based on research we had done and my personal judgement had lead me to decide to start weaning myself off of my meds. Starting with Tramadol which is a painkiller. A very controversial one I might add. A Narcotic is a level 5 and Tramadol is a level 3 so actually pretty close to being a narcotic. I actually ran out once or twice before and had some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms of insomnia, worse pain than before taking it, depression, headaches, fever, chills, nausea, restless legs....ect... So this time I figured I better start out slow. At the time of this decision my Neurologist had me taking 3 50mg capsules 3x a day. and then wanted to up my dose to 4 capsules 3x a day. So I was taking about 600mg of Tramadol a day. I think it was over a course of two months of cutting pills in halves and even fourths to avoid the withdrawal symptoms the best I could. However I still felt the weird sensations and the fog and everything else listed every time I went down 25mg or even the 12.5 mg. So it was some pretty killer stuff. At the same time I'm trying to go off of Gabapentin which is for Nerve pain, my Neurologist had me taking 3 300mg capsules 3x a day. So, OH DEAR LORD! About 2,700mg of this stuff. WoW! These I couldn't cut in half. A lot happened this month and the next. My bro came to visit from ihop and I had wanted to fill out the application for fire in the night in august or something of 2010 and ended up throwing it away cause I wasn't ready physically and emotionally. We were visiting and He pretty much said "God is not a trickster and if you want to do something and it's not bad then go for it." So that night I got home filled out my app for fire in the night spring internship, sent it in the next day and left it God's hands. Questioning myself all along though. Wondering if my body could handle staying up in a prayer room from 12 am - 6am and the schedule of classes,...... and the cost.

One night in February we had my niece and nephew over and I don't remember where I was as far as how many mg of meds I was at but I was playing hide and seek with my niece and nephew. I even was spinning around with my nephew yelling and laughing till I cried. Probably traumatized him poor kid. jk! Anyways I was beginning to become alive again slowly but surely I was coming out of my cave. I started talking to my mom about bands I liked again and I hadn't really listened to any music beside stuff from ihop in at least 10 months. Later that month or even in to March we made two trips one to visit my aunt in Omaha NE and that's when I had my worst withdrawal symptoms from gabapentin. I went from 600mg to 0mg not realizing at the time that ea. capsule was 300mg. Yeah that was quite the week of symptoms similar to those of tramadol. I know that I had ran into a wall this time as I had headaches, fevers, chills, worse depression and insomnia than what I had with tramadol the nausea, achy restless muscles everywhere, the fog continued.....it was a bad week. Those symptoms I just couldn't seem to shake. It took awhile for the drugs to leave my system.

At the end of the week we headed back to MN just to get a phone call from a family member that my step grandpa had passed away so off to SD we went. It was during that visit that I had my fire in the night phone interview. We then went back to MN and then down to TX for the 2 weeks leading up to the start of my internship. I had to take all my stuff with me cause I still hadn't received an acceptance email or phone call at this point. It was only a couple days before the internship started that I got a confirmation phone call that I was accepted. Having to swallow all my insecurities I followed the Lord's leading Cause He Does Know Best! I held tight to the promises that He had given me and the hope of healing and the transformation He would do in my heart. I was still nervous of what it would all entail, but I was ready for surgery (emotional healing) for my heart cause I know I needed it desperately! It was so hard leaving family at this point they had taken care of me and supported me and now I had to be alone with new people and be vulnerable and open about all that was going on with me.......so much for being strong.....I'm am still learning today that a broken and contrite heart He will never deny. That's all I can do for today. #ForHisGlory

2012 : New Beginnings...........compelled to write again

I can't promise much. As I think about this last year and all that's been done in my heart and mind I am reminded of the proccess.......The Lord enjoys it........even when Im kicking and screaming He sees my heart in the matter. Last night for some reason I wanted to come on here and look at all I had wrote it's been probably a year since I've read these entries and made myblog private thinking I would continue to write for myself and not so everyone would be looking in on me. well that didnt happen and we didn't get very far. This morning when I woke up my back was hurting a good bit. I kind of get sick of saying that! Then I become very greatful that I don't need help getting out of bed in the morning, that when I touch my feet on the cold cement floor.....I can actually feel it and tell u it's cold where before I couldn't differentiate hot and cold very well. And as I stand up not wobbly like before and not falling after a couple steps, I get to the steps and thank The Lord that I can walk today! Then I thank the Lord that I don't have a catheter!! I'm so grateful! Lord, though my eyes don't always see thanks for how far u brought me!! Thank u that I can go outside and don't have to be confined to my bed AMEN and AMEN!!  I have a lot more that I want to get in here and my plan is to eventually just copy and paste from word what I journaled while I was in the hospital in 2010. I know I wanna also share about this last year which was a very interesting, challenging, amazing, life changing, stretching, learning,growing, time where u find out that ur weak love Jesus will never deny.  Also where I'm at now will play a part. I can't promise u anything, but I know the one who can His name is Jesus. He is quite the guy healing my heart,my body,my mind.......as i comply. #forHisglory