Catching up.....in so many ways

Good Morning......or I suppose it would be good afternoon to most of you. But as for me I just woke up at ll. My schedule has been so messed up. Yesterday after writing to all you loverly people I took a two hr nap. Then went outside and played with May our family friendly black lab who never seems to stop going. So we were out there a good bit when I decided that again I was very tired, but didn't think it would be right to rest more so that when it was time to go to bed I could actually sleep. I've been trying to get over a cold and I was just on the go all weekend for the OneThing Conference. Being on the go constantly and staying up late combined with the fatigue I already have......would surely lead to sleep deprivation. (Just so you know it was worth seeing u guys #fitnfam) So last night I went to bed at 2 am and got up just an hr or two ago at 11:00. I'm in quite the fog that coffee isn't even touching. LORD HELP! :D

 As I'm writing, I'm just asking the Lord for wisdom and discernment on what to put in here. I want His name to be glorified. I want to be a testimony of His goodness. I want to look back one day and say WOW! Look at How faithful God is to my little heart. My story will probably not get in here till the end of this week or next since I'm not on my computer. I think I would like to back track and try to get u up to date. Which may take a bit of writing and I ask that you would bear with me as we go through the process. It looks like my last entry was Nov. 18th 2010 Oh my lots to tell you since then (Lord Please Help Me Remember!) In July of 2010 I was put on Zoloft an anti-depressant mostly because of all of the trauma that I had experienced, my Neurologist said it was similar to mourning my own death...? Idk what exactly that all means. Then in August of 2010 I was at a service at International house of prayer where so much happened. Wes or whoever had said that they felt the Lord was going to set people free from depression that night. I had people praying for me including my bro who was probably the first one by my side through the crowd of people he found me. Anyways I ended up being slain in the spirit and when I opened my eyes I asked my brother if anyone had touched my stomach and He said He was the only one there. I told him it felt like someone had reached down with there hand palm down on my stomach and then pulled something out.

Anyways shortly after that without my Dr's consent I went off of Zoloft. The next Dr's appt. I told her the story. She wasn't real sure about my decision. At that appt we did labs and a MRI was set up. I got lab results and according to my f.a.n.a levels they again decided to put me on an immuno-suppressant called Imuran. Which again got me sick I had a terrible sinus infection, Pink eye in both eyes (never had pink eye in my life) fever, and a near ear infection. So I called the Dr and the Dr. Said no more monkey's jumping on the bed....I mean she said to stop taking it cause you can't take it while having a fever. So, glad I got to stop taking that awful drug. Well I think I mentioned that we were living in our camper when I got sick in March 2010 we stayed in it till the end of Nov. We then moved in with a family from Church who so kindly let us stay in there basement. Which hear me when I say I am so grateful, but it's always challenging not to have your own place. I know, I've done it a lot.

The days that winter seemed to draw on forever, and I remember ending seven months of physical therapy and crying because I didn't know if I was ready to be done and because they had helped me since I got out of the hospital....they knew my story, they were part of it. At that time I was sleeping till 11 getting ready for the day and wanting to get out of the house so we went to the post office to pick up our mail and maybe to the grocery store or something and I would be ready to go home and take a nap. One day sitting in the basement I was in a far off daze of utter despair and heartache. My mom asked me if I was okay and I just started balling. I ended up calling my Dr. asking for more Zoloft which I only ended up being on for another month. Whew! This is kind of emotionally draining just writing all of this. January 2011 came and they tried to put me on a third drug to suppress my immune system this one being methotrexate, which is used as chemotherapy for cancer patients when used in higher doses. I asked a lot of Dr's and pharmacists about this drug and despite their opinions I let them know of my decision to never let it enter my body (mostly because of the warning labels). I guess it was a part of my story For His Glory.

Then My mom started doing research on the meds I was taking, I looked into the side affects of drugs I was taking right after I got out of the hospital but trying to keep them straight along with having them all in my system keeping me from thinking clearly proved to be more challenging than you would think. DEEP BREATHE! So, now it's Feb. were still in the basement. Based on research we had done and my personal judgement had lead me to decide to start weaning myself off of my meds. Starting with Tramadol which is a painkiller. A very controversial one I might add. A Narcotic is a level 5 and Tramadol is a level 3 so actually pretty close to being a narcotic. I actually ran out once or twice before and had some pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms of insomnia, worse pain than before taking it, depression, headaches, fever, chills, nausea, restless legs....ect... So this time I figured I better start out slow. At the time of this decision my Neurologist had me taking 3 50mg capsules 3x a day. and then wanted to up my dose to 4 capsules 3x a day. So I was taking about 600mg of Tramadol a day. I think it was over a course of two months of cutting pills in halves and even fourths to avoid the withdrawal symptoms the best I could. However I still felt the weird sensations and the fog and everything else listed every time I went down 25mg or even the 12.5 mg. So it was some pretty killer stuff. At the same time I'm trying to go off of Gabapentin which is for Nerve pain, my Neurologist had me taking 3 300mg capsules 3x a day. So, OH DEAR LORD! About 2,700mg of this stuff. WoW! These I couldn't cut in half. A lot happened this month and the next. My bro came to visit from ihop and I had wanted to fill out the application for fire in the night in august or something of 2010 and ended up throwing it away cause I wasn't ready physically and emotionally. We were visiting and He pretty much said "God is not a trickster and if you want to do something and it's not bad then go for it." So that night I got home filled out my app for fire in the night spring internship, sent it in the next day and left it God's hands. Questioning myself all along though. Wondering if my body could handle staying up in a prayer room from 12 am - 6am and the schedule of classes,...... and the cost.

One night in February we had my niece and nephew over and I don't remember where I was as far as how many mg of meds I was at but I was playing hide and seek with my niece and nephew. I even was spinning around with my nephew yelling and laughing till I cried. Probably traumatized him poor kid. jk! Anyways I was beginning to become alive again slowly but surely I was coming out of my cave. I started talking to my mom about bands I liked again and I hadn't really listened to any music beside stuff from ihop in at least 10 months. Later that month or even in to March we made two trips one to visit my aunt in Omaha NE and that's when I had my worst withdrawal symptoms from gabapentin. I went from 600mg to 0mg not realizing at the time that ea. capsule was 300mg. Yeah that was quite the week of symptoms similar to those of tramadol. I know that I had ran into a wall this time as I had headaches, fevers, chills, worse depression and insomnia than what I had with tramadol the nausea, achy restless muscles everywhere, the fog continued.....it was a bad week. Those symptoms I just couldn't seem to shake. It took awhile for the drugs to leave my system.

At the end of the week we headed back to MN just to get a phone call from a family member that my step grandpa had passed away so off to SD we went. It was during that visit that I had my fire in the night phone interview. We then went back to MN and then down to TX for the 2 weeks leading up to the start of my internship. I had to take all my stuff with me cause I still hadn't received an acceptance email or phone call at this point. It was only a couple days before the internship started that I got a confirmation phone call that I was accepted. Having to swallow all my insecurities I followed the Lord's leading Cause He Does Know Best! I held tight to the promises that He had given me and the hope of healing and the transformation He would do in my heart. I was still nervous of what it would all entail, but I was ready for surgery (emotional healing) for my heart cause I know I needed it desperately! It was so hard leaving family at this point they had taken care of me and supported me and now I had to be alone with new people and be vulnerable and open about all that was going on with me.......so much for being strong.....I'm am still learning today that a broken and contrite heart He will never deny. That's all I can do for today. #ForHisGlory