Here we go again......
All day I was thinking I want to blog, I need to blog, I want to blog. But as I sit down to write, my stomach turns...a little anxious i suppose...with my head in my hands I get the faint smell of onions, celery, and garlic....mmmhmm making Chicken Noodle Soup for my bro. I was so kind to pass the cold along to my younger bro just like my older bro had done for me. You know nothing says Merry Christmas like sneezing, coughing, and snot everywhere.....etc... :D You know I love you guys!
Lord have your way in what I say today.
As I had said I got accepted to do Fire In The Night internship at International House Of Prayer. My mom, niece, nephew and I met my brother and a friend in Oklahoma City and I went with them from there. I had my niece and nephew with me at the time and met my sister-in-law in KC the next day so again it was hard to say good-bye. I was staying at a hotel by myself in KC four days leading up to the internship trying gradually to switch my schedule over to nights so it wouldn't be such a shock on my body. So, by the time it was orientation day 3 o'clock in the afternoon was getting to be early. :D Right when I got there I started talking to a girl who ended up being one of my roommates, so that was cool. My roommates helped me move all of my stuff in without knowing my story. It was part of my concern before I got there because I knew that there were stairs in the apartments and I didn't know if I would be able to make it up the stairs with a suitcase in arms without tumbling down the steps....insert laugh here ha ha ha just to keep from crying.
We got settled in and then had some kind of meeting where right away they challenged my level of trust. To me "my" sickness was a part of me, my DNA (literally) and you couldn't know me. I wouldn't let you in. It was a secret and you weren't ever gonna find it out. In fears that you would see me as different, weak or broken. Well that didn't last long. The internship started April 6th 2011 seven days from the 1 year anniversary of when I was admitted into the hospital. On the first freakin' day we were asked if we needed healing prayer. Well, I'm not gonna pass up a chance to be free of pain now am I......Lord have your way! 2 days later April 8th in a small group apartment meeting I let my roommates know what was going on with me (I didn't think it was fair to keep it from them). They prayed for me and the Holy Spirit showed up. I was given words that confirmed words I was given the prior yr, and even one that was given to me at a winter retreat when I was in highschool that I never thought would mean anything. Sometimes it's the simple things that can blow you out of the water.
I remember being in the prayer room the first couple nights and let me tell you something it's so different when you have to be there, instead of doing it of your own free will. I was sooooooo Angry.
I was angry at the Lord. I just pinpointed this a couple days ago. That I was angry at the Lord pre-internship because I felt like He was supposed to rescue me from myself and I didn't feel like He did. During the Onething Conference M.B was preaching about Rev. 2: 21 I have given her time to repent, and she did not. 22 So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, ........ 23 I will strike her children dead. So, I think of it like this that God in His Mercy stepped in with feet like fine brass (Rev. 1:15)
and allowed me to get sick to save me from myself for His glory. I think it's a common question people ask when they get sick "WHY ME???!!" Well before the internship I had numerous people telling me that it was for His glory, but during the internship I had been asking Him "WHY ME?!?!?" Was it something I did?? He graciously answered me with the story from John 9:1 Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3: Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.
Luke 5:31 Jesus answering said to them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.
Psalms 73:26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.
I'm Thankful: that last night I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to eat a nutri-grain bar so I could take some tramadol and gabapentin, just to sleep. I'm thankful that I don't have to do that in the morning because my joints are so swollen and achy that I can't move till I get some pain killer in my system so I can get out of bed in 20-30 minutes without pain. Lets just say I don't like nutri-grain bars anymore.... I can't seem to get the after taste of pills out of my mouth, and the memories out of my head from the last time I had one. Praise the Lord that was probably about a yr. ago or so now.
P.S.
I learned during the first couple days of the internship even in my anger and honesty towards the Lord That He can take it and He is not offended. Also that Your context doesn't define you! Once we see our problems as too big for God it's a narcissistic view that what He did on the cross wasn't enough.
Also I'm heading south tomorrow.....so one step closer to jail time..omg I mean getting my journal pages in here from when I was in the hospital. Hospital....jail....close enough....jk :D
All day I was thinking I want to blog, I need to blog, I want to blog. But as I sit down to write, my stomach turns...a little anxious i suppose...with my head in my hands I get the faint smell of onions, celery, and garlic....mmmhmm making Chicken Noodle Soup for my bro. I was so kind to pass the cold along to my younger bro just like my older bro had done for me. You know nothing says Merry Christmas like sneezing, coughing, and snot everywhere.....etc... :D You know I love you guys!
Lord have your way in what I say today.
As I had said I got accepted to do Fire In The Night internship at International House Of Prayer. My mom, niece, nephew and I met my brother and a friend in Oklahoma City and I went with them from there. I had my niece and nephew with me at the time and met my sister-in-law in KC the next day so again it was hard to say good-bye. I was staying at a hotel by myself in KC four days leading up to the internship trying gradually to switch my schedule over to nights so it wouldn't be such a shock on my body. So, by the time it was orientation day 3 o'clock in the afternoon was getting to be early. :D Right when I got there I started talking to a girl who ended up being one of my roommates, so that was cool. My roommates helped me move all of my stuff in without knowing my story. It was part of my concern before I got there because I knew that there were stairs in the apartments and I didn't know if I would be able to make it up the stairs with a suitcase in arms without tumbling down the steps....insert laugh here ha ha ha just to keep from crying.
We got settled in and then had some kind of meeting where right away they challenged my level of trust. To me "my" sickness was a part of me, my DNA (literally) and you couldn't know me. I wouldn't let you in. It was a secret and you weren't ever gonna find it out. In fears that you would see me as different, weak or broken. Well that didn't last long. The internship started April 6th 2011 seven days from the 1 year anniversary of when I was admitted into the hospital. On the first freakin' day we were asked if we needed healing prayer. Well, I'm not gonna pass up a chance to be free of pain now am I......Lord have your way! 2 days later April 8th in a small group apartment meeting I let my roommates know what was going on with me (I didn't think it was fair to keep it from them). They prayed for me and the Holy Spirit showed up. I was given words that confirmed words I was given the prior yr, and even one that was given to me at a winter retreat when I was in highschool that I never thought would mean anything. Sometimes it's the simple things that can blow you out of the water.
I remember being in the prayer room the first couple nights and let me tell you something it's so different when you have to be there, instead of doing it of your own free will. I was sooooooo Angry.
I was angry at the Lord. I just pinpointed this a couple days ago. That I was angry at the Lord pre-internship because I felt like He was supposed to rescue me from myself and I didn't feel like He did. During the Onething Conference M.B was preaching about Rev. 2: 21 I have given her time to repent, and she did not. 22 So I will cast her on a bed of suffering, ........ 23 I will strike her children dead. So, I think of it like this that God in His Mercy stepped in with feet like fine brass (Rev. 1:15)
and allowed me to get sick to save me from myself for His glory. I think it's a common question people ask when they get sick "WHY ME???!!" Well before the internship I had numerous people telling me that it was for His glory, but during the internship I had been asking Him "WHY ME?!?!?" Was it something I did?? He graciously answered me with the story from John 9:1 Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3: Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.
Luke 5:31 Jesus answering said to them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.
Psalms 73:26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.
I'm Thankful: that last night I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to eat a nutri-grain bar so I could take some tramadol and gabapentin, just to sleep. I'm thankful that I don't have to do that in the morning because my joints are so swollen and achy that I can't move till I get some pain killer in my system so I can get out of bed in 20-30 minutes without pain. Lets just say I don't like nutri-grain bars anymore.... I can't seem to get the after taste of pills out of my mouth, and the memories out of my head from the last time I had one. Praise the Lord that was probably about a yr. ago or so now.
P.S.
I learned during the first couple days of the internship even in my anger and honesty towards the Lord That He can take it and He is not offended. Also that Your context doesn't define you! Once we see our problems as too big for God it's a narcissistic view that what He did on the cross wasn't enough.
Also I'm heading south tomorrow.....so one step closer to jail time..omg I mean getting my journal pages in here from when I was in the hospital. Hospital....jail....close enough....jk :D
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